How To Be A Hero
by Maannga
Summary: Step by step on how to be a hero! Click on the link to find out more! Do not try anything the page says at home. One shot story.


**I had a lot of fun with this one. I highly suggest that you do NOT do anything this page says. It really isn't too much about Zelda, but it has mentions. Enjoy! :D**

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How to be a Hero: Step by Step

1. **Have a ridicules outfit**. - Every hero must have an outfit to be identified with. This means that you must wear something out of the ordinary, and original. Suggestions would be a tutu, a dress (men like to call these "tunics" but the proper word is dress. Yes, men, a dress) a weird hat, and tights. It is suggested that if a man was to wear a dress, then please wear tights with it. No one really wants to see your legs. However, it would have a good effect on your enemies (see warning 1 label below) if you did not wear tights. Note that not every hero looks good in tights. To date, only one hero ever wore tights and was able to, at the same time, pull it off.

2. **Have a weapon**- Every good hero has a weapon. The weapon, like your outfit, must be original. However, your weapon cannot be too powerful. For example, while Link had a puny sword Bo, who is Link's friend and major of his town, had a bazooka. The powerful weapons belong to others. If you were to have to most powerful weapon ever, it would give you an unfair advantage against your enemies. Please note that while a rubber chicken may seem like a good original weapon (see warning 2 label below) it is not a very good weapon, and can often get you killed.

3. **Find an arch enemy**- You cannot be a hero without someone to fight. Pick your least favorite person who tends to bother you the most, and you have an arch enemy. If you are having trouble finding one, then pick out someone who looks evil, and tick them off. Suggestions on doing that is would be to blow up their house, throw something at them, high-jack their car, or making prank calls. Please be careful of whom you pick (see warning 3 label below) as your arch enemy. Don't worry if you are having a hard time finding an arch enemy. Some people have it easy. For example, all Link, Hero of Time, had to do to have an arch enemy was to be born. He automatically had Ganondorf as his arch enemy. Most of us aren't so lucky.

4. **Find a damsel in distress**- Every good hero has some beautiful woman to save from the clutches of his arch enemy. Unfortunately, the arch enemy gets to pick who the damsel is, so you may not have a beautiful woman. Heroes must not be choosy. Do not be too heroic and carry out the woman if you save her if she is fat; we don't want any injures. Luckily, your arch enemy will go after the person you love, so there isn't really too much worry. But be careful, because she might die in the process. If you want a different damsel in distress, then kindly ask your arch enemy (see warning 4 label below) to go after someone else. For female heroes, you are stuck saving the world. It would look weird if you saved a female, unless the female is your sister or a good friend. Sorry.

5. **Find a companion**- Every hero must have a little help. Link had Navi, Tatl, and Midna. A suggestion would be someone that you will come to care for, then will leave you forever after you finish your quest. Be careful who you pick (see warning 5 label below). It may seem upsetting if your companion leaves you, but what is a good story if the companion stayed? To please your audience, the companion must leave. The companion must have a good personality, and be helpful. If you are having trouble finding a companion, then blackmail them into it. Find out their deepest, darkest secret or something, and use it against them. Or help them, then use that as an excuse for them to repay your "kindness." For example, Link blackmailed Tatl into being his companion. She got stuck in a room, and needed Link to help. The perfect opportunity.

6. **Luck**- Every hero must have it. There have been cases where people have not been lucky, and died trying to be a hero. To test how much luck you have, go to a casino. If you have luck, then you shouldn't worry about blowing off a few hundred bucks or so. Every super villain has an almost unstoppable plan, so luck will definitely be needed to stop them.

**WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURIES, LOSS OF MONEY, FOR BEING LAUGHED AT FOR LIFE, OR DEATH. **

**WARNING**:

1. If any male was to wear a dress without tights, the effect could be most unnerving. It has been reported in several cases that monsters had literally died at the sight of exposed male legs. Though this would be the perfect weapon, it has caused cities to be evacuated, and many wildlife to die out. It is cautioned to everyone to beware dressing without tights.

2. A rubber chicken has been scientifically proven to not be a good weapon. A hero (who, out of respect, will not be mention. Not because he is dead, but because we would like to preserve any dignity he might have left after his humiliating defeat) who had tried to have a rubber chicken as his weapon did not last very long. He had pointed the rubber chicken at an enemy and shouted "Die, fiend!" and was instantly killed. The monster, we are happy to report, died shortly afterwards due to uncontrollable laughter.

3. If you were to pick the most powerful person on the face of the planet, then you are doomed. A hero (who will not be named. He didn't have a name.) had tried this and failed with flying colors. There is a huge hole where the arch enemy had dropped a bomb right on top of this hero. We still have yet to uncover his remains.

4. Asking your arch enemy to go after a certain someone is not advised for two reasons. One, the person you like could die, then your future with her could be over. Two, it could be the perfect time for your arch enemy to destroy you, on the spot. Then your future with the person you love will be over, and so would your life.

5. There have been some unfortunate cases where the companion was either a hero's arch enemy in disguise, a minion of a hero's arch enemy, or someone who just really hates a hero's guts. One poor fellow's first battle was with his companion, and now his head resides on a stick in front of his "companion's" house with a sign that reads "i hav head." (It is spelled just like that, too) We have reasons to believe that this characters name is Ug.

Good luck, future heroes. Now you are ready to go into the open and become a legend! Many have tried, most fail, a few have succeeded. Be the one of the few to be triumphed!

We promise to be at your early funeral.

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Glossary:

**Ug**- a caveman who has a habit of going after people, and impaling their heads on a stick. The most wanted, and still yet to be defeated, villain known. IQ of 1.


End file.
